Parenting a Teen with an Attitude: A TBRI - Informed Approach
Parenting a Teen with an Attitude: A TBRI®-Informed Approach
Parenting a teenager can feel like navigating a minefield—especially when your teen seems to have an attitude about everything. Eye rolls, sarcasm, defiance, and emotional outbursts can leave even the most patient parent feeling overwhelmed. But what if we told you that behind that attitude is a need for connection, safety, and understanding?
Enter TBRI® (Trust-Based Relational Intervention®)—a trauma-informed, attachment-based approach developed by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross. While originally designed for children from hard places, TBRI offers powerful tools for parenting any teen, especially those who seem emotionally distant or behaviorally challenging.
How Do I Manage My Teen's Attitude?
1. See the Need Behind the Behavior
TBRI teaches us to look beyond the behavior and ask: What is my teen trying to communicate?
An “attitude” is often a mask for:
- Fear of rejection
- A need for control in a chaotic world
- Unmet sensory or emotional needs
- A history of trauma or attachment wounds
Instead of reacting to the sass or shutdown, pause and ask yourself: What need is going unmet right now? It is our job as parents to help our teen find an appropriate way to meet that need instead.
2. Connect Before You Correct
Teens are biologically wired to seek independence, but they still crave connection. TBRI emphasizes the power of connection before correction. This means:
- Making eye contact
- Using a calm, respectful tone
- Offering physical proximity (if welcomed)
- Validating their feelings before addressing behavior
- Building trust and connection when things are going well
This may sound like:
“I can see you’re really frustrated right now. I’m here to help, not to fight.”
"I believe you. This is really difficult right now. Let's figure it out together."
" I understand how frustrating this is. I am on your team and here to help."
When teens feel seen and safe, they’re more likely to open up and cooperate.
3. Empower Their Body and Mind
TBRI’s Empowering Principles focus on meeting physical and environmental needs. For teens, this might look like:
- Ensuring they’re getting enough sleep, nutrition, and movement
- Helping them regulate their emotions through breathing techniques or sensory tools
- Creating predictable routines and clear expectations
- Limiting screen time
A teen who’s hungry, overstimulated, or exhausted is far more likely to lash out. Empowering them physically helps reduce emotional dysregulation.
4. Offer Choices and Shared Power
Teens often push back because they feel powerless. TBRI encourages giving voice—offering choices and inviting collaboration.
Instead of saying, “You need to clean your room now,” try: 💬 “Would you rather clean your room before or after dinner?”
This small shift gives your teen a sense of control while still meeting your expectations.
Teach your teen how to compromise. Compromising is a big part of life and relationships. If parents are not teaching their teens to do this, they will have to learn it in higher risk environments.
This may sound like:
Parent: "Hey it's your turn to wash the dishes after dinner" Teen: "Can we compromise? My friends are all FaceTiming right now. Can I do the dishes in an hour?" Parent: "Thanks for asking! Yes, I think we can make that work."
Your teen needs to learn what their needs are and have permission to use their voice to express them. As you respect this, trust is built and attitude lowers.
5. Stay Regulated Yourself
You can’t co-regulate with your teen if you’re dysregulated yourself. TBRI reminds us that our calm is contagious.
Before engaging in a power struggle, take a breath. Step away if needed. Model the regulation you want to see in your teen. If you are having a difficult time with your own regulation, we have therapists in Carmel, Indiana who specialize in helping you with that. Learn more here.
6. Repair and Reconnect
Conflict is inevitable—but repair is powerful. After a blow-up, circle back with your teen: 💬 “I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier. I care about you, and I want us to work through things together.”
This models accountability and reinforces the safety of your relationship. You cannot expect your teen to repair if you are first not willing to do the same. After a fight, ask yourself: "Are we connected? Has the behavior changed? Are we both content?" Until all three of these questions are a yes, there is more work to do.
Final Thoughts
Parenting a teen with an attitude isn’t easy—but it’s not impossible. Through the lens of TBRI, we learn that behavior is communication, connection is key, and healing happens in relationship.
Your teen doesn’t need a perfect parent—they need a present one. And with TBRI, you have the tools to be just that. Learn more about how Connected Counseling in Carmel, Indiana focuses on using a TBRI lens to counsel teens, parents, and children.
